I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
