Michael Bay diarrhea
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
