Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
