You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Girls should come with a carfax report
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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