i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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