I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
