The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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