There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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