he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
