dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
