Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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