Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
