Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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