i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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