you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
This house was built for laser tag.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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