plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize