just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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