so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
