made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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