Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
