if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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