Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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