I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
