My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
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