1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
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