I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
