i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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