I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
