The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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