I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
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