well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Randomize
