I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
