I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
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