Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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