is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
