Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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