someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
