omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
