I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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