she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
