we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
