Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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