So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
All I want is dick and wine.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
