I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
