that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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