Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
