This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
