My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i wish my penis had a tongue
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
