Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
