listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
