so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
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