i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
