Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize