He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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