So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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