First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
