I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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