dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
You're like the curious george of whores
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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