I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
